Its like the good memories are all orderly and neat, but the neutral or less stuff is clutter. Its like trying to walk around in you bedroom if there are dirty clothes all over the floor and sometimes you trip or get frustrated.
I need to wash my brain and get rid of the dirty clothes. But some stuff is just stained or torn or somehow in a state that it can't be fixed. Its like it will always be something that I can't understand.
OK, show of hands, who's thinking I just broke up with someone? Well sort of, but that's just it, there was a guy, in my head and all, and now mostly there is just a mess that needs to be cleaned up! We didn't break up, because there was really no commitment, we weren't officially "going out", but we sure did spend a lot of time together! And now we aren't. No incident, no fight, nothing like that, just no him.
Its like wtf? Not that I am really hurt either, just temporarily broomless! With stuff that needs to be sweeped up and dealt with.
Details? Of course. We started talking one day, he knew about the stuff going on in my life, and he had stuff too and it was totally just to talk, and then of course when you talk to someone long enough its a relationship. Me it was my mom dying, and the horrible stuff I did in the year and a half leading up to that. I was all wrapped up in how guilty I felt for being a psychobitchslut when my mom needed support. And then her dying, and me being in therapy and getting back together.
He had family issues. He lived between his mom and his dad, sometimes with one and sometimes with the other. Then his dad was arrested and put back in prison and it turns out he killed someone. And this just messed with his head so much that he couldn't really understand who he was. It was like here he was at a decent university, grad student, making good, but his dad who he loved was a total fuck up. Its like he couldnt figure out who he was supposed to be. Was he a product of his dads influence? Was he someone removed from that? At first I was a little scared, like thinking that maybe he had violence in him that might come out at me or something, but he wasnt like that at all and neither was his dad really. His mom and dad were loving and supportive people! At least from all I heard.
So we hung, we partied, we held hands in front of other people and alone, and then after a while it was just less and less and I'd see him somewhere and not be with him. Then I'd see him with other girls.
I never really thought it would be some long term thing or that I was in love with him or anything, but we got pretty close and shared a lot. And I think we both moved on from the big hurts in our lives with each others help. But we never really turned into an us, yet there are still pieces of him in my head.
I'm fine that he's not around anymore too.
But why can't men clean up after themselves? It's like they can't see the messes they leave behind.