Saturday, April 28, 2012

Alone on Sat. night

Its Saturday night and I'm alone.

Yea loser me.

But I have to look at it realisticly, I am the one who decides that when some guy acts like maybe he wants to talk to me, I look like I don't want to be talked to. Guys have fragile egos. Women are rejected all the time, you know, some guy looks at you for a second, and your self esteem gets ready to go up, and bam, he looks away like he didn't even see you, but you know its your weight/boobs/hair/ or worse, face.

We're used to it, but I think then we deal with it by being hard to get, or hard to get at, haughty, whatever. And lose out.

Guys are used to people, women people, listening to them if they act like they are going to say something. Guys don't notice when a woman person is acting like she wants to say something! Unless of course she has great boobs/face/sexual reputation!


So rather than getting out there ever optimistic, playing the game, here I am, facebook a dry well, TV too insipid to tolerate, and my own failings turning into pixels for the world to see. Invisible Chole, I feel like I could walk naked down a busy street and no one would see me.

Of course someone would, and it would be some total loser guy, too drunk to talk, too drunk to fuck, and too drunk to respect.

In other words, sort of like me.

Ah pity, sweet wine.


Sunday, April 22, 2012

This summer, changepoint

     I've decided. This summer I'm going back to Europe and its OK if I don't come back in the fall. Fuck school. Sure school's great, there are some inspiring people trying to excite young minds, but they are doing it in a system that is also trying to form young minds into the robots of commerce of the future.

    They worry so much about our "careers" and "job opportunity", and that we have the skills to succeed that they lose track of our process of learning, exploring and maturing. "School" is an assembly line to mediocrity, in a factory making people that fit in.

     You may think, "WHat!! what about occupy and protests and activisism and pepper spray!" I would say to you "what do those outlier events really mean? Are they the start of a whole way of life? Or just a bit of rebellion before the mortgage, family and faded dreams?" For some they will be a way of life, but consider; life lived trying to change others is of less ultimate influence than a life lived in your own unique and satisfying way, that broadens the scope of possiblilty and acceptability for others.

     School should celebrate people who head off in new directions, pushing the envelope of life, in thought, in action, in lifestyle. It should not celebrate people acting like sheep, sitting to be peppersprayed in media events that try to affect change with negative means. Sure there is cause for revolution, but using force, even passive/aggressive force is not required here and now. Go out and live and create the world in the vision you have, rather than try to tear down your parents version.

     So, I may not go back to school.

     My writing is slow, too many distractions, and there is something about being is such familiar circumstances that sucks the inspiration out into the hazey california sky and makes me lazy.

     I'm thinking renting a room in Paris, the writers garrett, and disappearing into my head for a time. Maybe if I can come up with some way of leaving my credit cards at home and living off a pittance, it will force me to spend time getting all these ideas, dreams and stories out of my head and onto paper.

     Paper! Pixels really!

     Last time I was in Paris I almost fell in love. Maybe I will meet someone and my life will turn on that and I will end up living there, raising a family, and leaving behind the wonderful comfort of being an affluent california girl, with all its materialistic temptations.

     I've promised myself that if I get 50,000 words done, I will reward myself with a week in Greece, on the beach, sunburning my boobs like I did last year!