Saturday, March 26, 2011

Boulette's Larder

Boulette's Larder is the very cool or very weird little place to eat in the Ferry Building in San Francisco.

Boulette's Larder

Boulette is a dog. Shaggy dreadlocked eminence. Boulette means "little ball".  :)

And if your lucky and eat at the kitchen table..well you will be happy indeed! ( I love to eat at the chefs table or kitchen table at restaurants! )

The place is part shop, part open kitchen, and part place to enjoy a meal at a communal table out in the open of it all. The kitchen is just one corner next to the table, and they provision the Larder, the shop aspect, from there as well as breakfast and lunchs. Then in the evening there are private dinners.

So you sit with strangers and eat from a menu that changes every day. We went (Dad and I) last thursday.

I had the "early spring vegetable composition"   which was  warm artichoke purée, roasted artichoke, asparagus, young shallot, cauliflower romanesque little potato,  trevisano, and was something that made me feel like I was eating warm sunny nature!

Dad had the pulled pork sandwich that they are supposed to be known for with pickled turnip & mixed chickories salad. But dont dare think stringy pork with nasty barbeque sauce!! I'm not a pork fan, but this was sublime.

He had a bottle of "2008 patricius tokaji furmint" a dry Hungarian Tokay wine, and even though I look about 14 most of the time, no one said anything when I had a bit too. It was very yummy!

We sat next to some business suit guys on one side and a tourist couple from Spain on the other. We couldnt talk much to the Spanish people as their english was not too good, and the business suit guys were all about some people they were doing business with and office stuff. What a waste! (Having lunch somewhere so divine and talking about work!

So Dad and I talked, not that we don't usually, but usually its me chattering on about stuff and him listening patiently. But since I was having some wine and being all sophisticated, I tried to be the interested one this time, and sort of brought him out a bit.

Its funny to see a parent more as a person than a parent, and Dad has been pretty quiet for a while, but the wine brought him out too, and he talked a bit about what he wants to do with the rest of his life. He said being in a Larder was apropos as he felt like he had this whole supply of stuff in him that maybe he should put to use. He said he has spent so much time taking in stuff from people, listening to their stories, probing their thoughts, that maybe he should write a novel or something.

I think its something he has had in his mind, but never really put a lot of importance on. He writes a ton for work, but its more technical. And now that he is 65, and his life so drastically changed, maybe he could retire, and do something else.

I'm the last kid to have  regular demands on him as a parent, and I'm getting closer to being independent, although I don't support my self financially yet! But I think that would be great. My father the novelist! He's got the beard for it!

It felt real cool having my Dad talk to me about his dreams, like I was an adult. Trusting me with stuff that is sort of private, stuff that may or may not happen, but personal and with important decisions connected to it.

The wine was part of it! He had 3 glasses and me 1 (and a half!) and we were both feeling warm inside. We walked on the Embarcadero for a while to clear our heads, and he bought me an ice cream.  Like I need that on my butt!

Funny me, part little girl, part grown up, and all mixed up in kinda a good way.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Innocent, profound, naive, worldly?!?

Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott                                         .

I feel like such a baby sometimes. I'm home from school for spring break, back in my room where so much has happened in my life, seeing my stuffed animals on the shelves and the left over pieces of my childhood.

Its comfortable, and so is being home with my Dad, big strong, gentle, loving rock I can built my life on.

Sometimes I think I am so grown up and wise! Ha! Then I come home and realize how much I am still dependent on it and family and the whole support system I take for granted.

The previous posts on this blog read as so sure and assertive, yet the underlying theme is my confusions and lack of experience with some very basic life stuff.

I talk about men and relationships and sex like I know what I'm talking about, but really its just a teenage girl spouting off like a know it all. I don't understand men, I desperately want a relationship but don't know how to build one or even tempt a guy into range to try with, and am still technically a virgin. Its funny, I was posting on facebook the other day about sex and men and I've never even had full sex. What a fraud I am!

I'm 18, but feel 9 sometimes.

Greta, my therapist,(see my other blog) and I were talking on friday, I'm down to once a month now, about being needy and being self sufficient. I'm actually feeling very self sufficient and good about myself recently, even though my blog postings may not sound like it.

I love talking to her, with her, and it would be cool to see her every day, but just as a friend, but I'm thinking I maybe don't need therapy much anymore, or if so, more as life coaching rather than problem solving. One thing that brought me to that conclusion was a recent experience leaving her office.

She's in a cool old house for an office, and usually schedules people so that we don't overlap. But that friday her next girl got there before I left, as I was being chatty and stuff. Greta has "clients" like me who pay, (or whose dad pays! TKS dad!) and she has people she helps without paying.

The girl I saw when I was leaving was probably one who didn't pay. I don't know why I think that? But anyway as I walk out of Greta's office into the waiting area this girl and I lock eyes in the most intense way. And this girl is intense looking too, black hair all chopped up, piercings all over her ears, two in one eyebrow, nose of course, tounge, shit! And the look she is giving me is so angry! But behind it, really hurt too, like she is jealous of me being with Greta.

Here is a girl I see as street smart and tough, who is so hurting inside. I wonder if she has anyone.

I have more support than I can even use, little baby Chloe.

Its so good to be home, and just for a bit, feel safe and secure and loved!


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The world of men, the world of women

Pushing, Thrusting, Arching, Groaning from SonicErotica on Vimeo.

The world of men, and the world of women is defined by where they meet.

No you say? There is more to life than that surely! Men have wars!

Women aren't limited to sex and the consequenses.. We can have wars too! I mean look at Hillary!

Why do men have wars? Power. Why do they need Power? To attract us.

Who wants a weeny man who gets bullied by the strong handsome ones? Not me.

Of course there are different kinds of power and wars. Economic, intellectual, artistic, scientific. I like the intellectual artistic (and ruggedly handsome) man over the jock, or the scientific genius, or the rich guy (yuck).

But doesn't how we live our lives reflect our sexual dynamic?

Will I consider becoming a sanitation engineer? No way. I don't do overalls. Why? Because its not pretty. Why do I want to be pretty? Guys.

What do I need a man for? Relevance. Womans power is in the building of commune.  Family, connections, safe space, love. Men bring the resources, and the reason for women to use thier power. Not a very feminist  viewpoint maybe, or maybe a very empowering one. Ask me in 20 years!

And where do the worlds of men and women meet? Most fudamentally in the mind. All action if preceded by thought.

And that mind is imagining the tip of a penis entering a vagina. In both the mens mind and the womans.

All else is the stage setting.


Come get me big boy..

Monday, March 14, 2011

Do guys feel shame?

Do men feel shame? Or is it just women?

The old stud/slut dichotomy, what is cool and celebrated in one gender is shameful and hidden in the other.

What girl hasn't fantasized about stripping off her clothes and taking on 2 or 3 good looking guys after a party, but knows it will never happen, and not because it couldn't, but because of the conflict between whats in the mind and whats going on lower. (Well ok maybe you've never fantasized like that, but I guess we know someone who has now!)

It's not that you don't hear of it happening either! Some party, a guy a couple girls, later that night.. wooo hoo! Well at least for the guy! All the bros will be high fiven' and hooting and farting.

Of course the girls will have to lay low for a while, act embarassed, tell everyone how high they were. Yea right. Its not like any guy has so much power over us that we do stuff we don't want too.

But then who would take us seriously if we just acted like men!? I mean the easier we are, the less valuable we are. According to social norms. Men don't want us used. They want to use us, and marry a brand newish one who didn't slut around in college.

We need to look available, attractive and maybe give out a few carefully considered samples, but to keep a can't have been too much a slut. Depends on the man of course, but we don't have the same feelings in reciprocation. If we get a man into a relationship with us, who has a full list of conquests, its like we win something none of the previous contenders could get. Its almost like men are more valuable if they had been with a lot of women!

Grrrrr. Frustration. Mental and physical!!!


I wouldn't mind this mans hands on me..



Wednesday, March 2, 2011

men in my head

     Guys leave messes in girls heads. Think about it, any guy you have ever known has left some unanswered questions, misunderstood actions, hurtful memories minor or major. Even just guys who were just friends, there is still stuff there in your head that pops up sometimes like opening a closet and finding you left some dirty clothes in it.
     Its like the good memories are all orderly and neat, but the neutral or less stuff is clutter. Its like trying to walk around in you bedroom if there are dirty clothes all over the floor and sometimes you trip or get frustrated.
     I need to wash my brain and get rid of the dirty clothes. But some stuff is just stained or torn or somehow in a state that it can't be fixed. Its like it will always be something that I can't understand.
     OK, show of hands, who's thinking I just broke up with someone? Well sort of, but that's just it, there was a guy, in my head and all, and now mostly there is just a mess that needs to be cleaned up! We didn't break up, because there was really no commitment, we weren't officially "going out", but we sure did spend a lot of time together! And now we aren't. No incident, no fight, nothing like that, just no him.
     Its like wtf? Not that I am really hurt either, just temporarily broomless! With stuff that needs to be sweeped up and dealt with.
     Details? Of course. We started talking one day, he knew about the stuff going on in my life, and he had stuff too and it was totally just to talk, and then of course when you talk to someone long enough its a relationship. Me it was my mom dying, and the horrible stuff I did in the year and a half leading up to that. I was all wrapped up in how guilty I felt for being a psychobitchslut when my mom needed support. And then her dying, and me being in therapy and getting back together.
     He had family issues. He lived between his mom and his dad, sometimes with one and sometimes with the other. Then his dad was arrested and put back in prison and it turns out he killed someone. And this just messed with his head so much that he couldn't really understand who he was. It was like here he was at a decent university, grad student, making good, but his dad who he loved was a total fuck up. Its like he couldnt figure out who he was supposed to be. Was he a product of his dads influence? Was he someone removed from that? At first I was a little scared, like thinking that maybe he had violence in him that might come out at me or something, but he wasnt like that at all and neither was his dad really. His mom and dad were loving and supportive people! At least from all I heard.
     So we hung, we partied, we held hands in front of other people and alone, and then after a while it was just less and less and I'd see him somewhere and not be with him. Then I'd see him with other girls.
      I never really thought it would be some long term thing or that I was in love with him or anything, but we got pretty close and shared a lot. And I think we both moved on from the big  hurts in our lives with each others help. But we never really turned into an us, yet there are still pieces of him in my head.

    I'm fine that he's not around anymore too.

    But why can't men clean up after themselves? It's like they can't see the messes they leave behind.