Sunday, March 20, 2011

Innocent, profound, naive, worldly?!?

Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott                                         .

I feel like such a baby sometimes. I'm home from school for spring break, back in my room where so much has happened in my life, seeing my stuffed animals on the shelves and the left over pieces of my childhood.

Its comfortable, and so is being home with my Dad, big strong, gentle, loving rock I can built my life on.

Sometimes I think I am so grown up and wise! Ha! Then I come home and realize how much I am still dependent on it and family and the whole support system I take for granted.

The previous posts on this blog read as so sure and assertive, yet the underlying theme is my confusions and lack of experience with some very basic life stuff.

I talk about men and relationships and sex like I know what I'm talking about, but really its just a teenage girl spouting off like a know it all. I don't understand men, I desperately want a relationship but don't know how to build one or even tempt a guy into range to try with, and am still technically a virgin. Its funny, I was posting on facebook the other day about sex and men and I've never even had full sex. What a fraud I am!

I'm 18, but feel 9 sometimes.

Greta, my therapist,(see my other blog) and I were talking on friday, I'm down to once a month now, about being needy and being self sufficient. I'm actually feeling very self sufficient and good about myself recently, even though my blog postings may not sound like it.

I love talking to her, with her, and it would be cool to see her every day, but just as a friend, but I'm thinking I maybe don't need therapy much anymore, or if so, more as life coaching rather than problem solving. One thing that brought me to that conclusion was a recent experience leaving her office.

She's in a cool old house for an office, and usually schedules people so that we don't overlap. But that friday her next girl got there before I left, as I was being chatty and stuff. Greta has "clients" like me who pay, (or whose dad pays! TKS dad!) and she has people she helps without paying.

The girl I saw when I was leaving was probably one who didn't pay. I don't know why I think that? But anyway as I walk out of Greta's office into the waiting area this girl and I lock eyes in the most intense way. And this girl is intense looking too, black hair all chopped up, piercings all over her ears, two in one eyebrow, nose of course, tounge, shit! And the look she is giving me is so angry! But behind it, really hurt too, like she is jealous of me being with Greta.

Here is a girl I see as street smart and tough, who is so hurting inside. I wonder if she has anyone.

I have more support than I can even use, little baby Chloe.

Its so good to be home, and just for a bit, feel safe and secure and loved!


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