Thursday, June 30, 2011

leaving on a jet plane

(God he's cute, where's my astro-naught?)

I feel....

I feel like something is going to change. I've been through a lot of change lately, but its still in progress. I'm not "there" yet, and this summer adventure feels like it will be something I will not come back from the same person I am now.

Its good, and its sad. I like me, I got to a place where I was ok even after losing my mom and almost losing my mind and even maybe my life. But here is where I get to be me and not answer to anyone BUT me.

I want...

I want to find out how to have a different way of relating to people. I want to learn how to get into other people, be intimate, not sex but where we open to each other and share what we are at the deepest level.

You know, "spiritually". What ever the fuck that is. And I would also like to get fucked. 18 year old virginity sucks.


Sorry Daddy! Pretend you didn't read that!

Does this make sense? I want to be, I want to feel, and I want it to be ...more?

I'm lonely, excited, scared and on the edge of something.

There's things you lose in life and things you gain, but really its just that you were there for either of them that is the most important.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Scary, fun, adventure...

So my dad decides to move to France for a while. He is between contracts, and most of his projects are sort of done for a while, and I think he just wants a change of scenery, change of focus and the chance of something new happening in his life. And he is renting a little house from a woman who writes cookbooks and lives near us.

Provence is a cliche isn't it? People read "A Year in Provence" and get all romantic about it, but you could just as well rent a room in Modesto or something and have the same agrarian atmosphere and simplistic living. Well they wouldn't speak french.

So whats scary, fun, and adventurous?  Well he said I can go over too and travel around a bit. He's kinda acting like he wants some private time in a new environment to kinda get his head together, but he said I can stay with him for a week or so and then I'll have a train pass and a credit card and more freedom than I am comfortable with. (Yes he has budget numbers in mind, so it will be hostels and if I'm lucky maybe a couch or two.) But he wants me to kinda do what my mom did when she was my age, and sort of find out what life is like as my self rather than as the part of some support system/planned life/safe home boring way I live.

Am I ready for it? NO WAY!  I am scared shitless! I'm freaking out of my mind! But I'm gonna try it. The worst that can happen is I have to call daddy to come rescue me. (Well really I could get raped, murdered and cut into fish bait after being kidnapped and sold into sex slavery!)

But he knows a few people in France who have kids my age, and I can sort of use them for a crutch. And really who wouldn't want some daughter of a friend of your parents who speaks your language like a baby, showing up and wanting to be shown around town?

So here's my bed for the first week. I'm going to buy clothes over there. Not Couture! I'm going to see if they have second hand stores. I figure just learning to take care of food and clothing and a place to sleep every day will be my main activity. I don't need to see the Louvre, I saw it when I was 12. And Notre Dame and the Lorre Valley too.

I want to spend a week in Paris, I already missed the FĂȘte de la Musique :( but I'm hoping to be there for  Paris Plage, when they dump sand on the road along the Seine and make it a beach!
And what else? I'm going topless on some beach even though I am a rolly polly little boulette right now! And who knows. Maybe some aggressive european man will make a real woman out of me. (Or fish bait!)

I'll be back for school in the fall...maybe. My dad is making noises like he might go to India too...I'm not following him there! But maybe something will happen that makes me see life in a new and better way. Or I grow up some more and come back more confident! And skinnier! Or I just have a cool summer and go back to the normal. Or it could suck and I feel alone and lost and am so happy for Starbucks and the boring life I lead.

Wish me luck and love