Obsession.

Those who know me know I am not the most stable, normal, girl ape on the planet. BiPolar, BiSexual, and sometimes BiZarre.

I've fallen into a stalker'ish minor obsession in the last few days with a most gorgeous man. He wouldn't have any way of knowing I watch him, its all online.

I've spent 4 or 5 hours tracking down every thing there is on the net about him, and check his FB several times a day...

And this is the normal part of this story!

I'm so tempted to put up a photo of him so you all can see why he is so fascinating, but I won't. He looks like a young Brad Pitt! Same scruff of whiskers....

Brad Pitt

Same alluring intensity in the eyes, confident masculinity with out looking like a macho fool. He's smart and funny from reading his comments and posts, and has a diverse circle of friends and family.

He works for a tech company, seems to have a motorcycle and a comfortable life. He gets along with his parents, although I know there were some rough years in his past. Drinking, jail.

He seems particularly self aware, aware of how damaged he was for a while, before he found himself. And now he seems very happy with who he is.

I've read his blogs and those of one of his lovers...it was by chance and googlefu that I found them, they are not in the normal search anymore, but still findable. And wow. He has a past with twists!

Look at the photo above. What would you think his semi-secret is? Gay? Yeah well he is, but that is not the secret!

I've seen photos of him shirtless and he has a nice chest and flat stomach. He always sports a bit of scruff on his chin and lip, sometimes cheeks...

OK. He looks JUST like the guy above, only real big difference is he has no dick. Literally. Never Did!

"He" is a girl who has had her breasts surgically removed and takes testosterone.

Holy Fuck Chole, you are one sick puppy for cyber stalking a transman and fantasizing about what THAT would be like!

A total guy in looks and attitude, (yeah he pulls off "guy" pretty well!) AND GIRL PARTS BELOW!

TO HIM: if somehow you read this, I so have the weirdest crush ever on you. Yea I know this kind of attention is probably unwelcome, and if I were a perfect little Chloe I would never even write this, but I'm not.  I so identify with or want.....how different you are, not that I want what you have, just you are so brave, so hot, and so cool. I don't want to be you, just interesting, complex and a survivor of hurt.

Greta is going to have fun with this in my next therapy session.

:)

I saw her walking ahead of me

I saw her walking ahead of me in the Châtelet – Les Halles metro station, long legs, an Italian silk summer dress with a salmon and tea green print and some impossible heels the seemed too small to fit any woman's feet, but held hers like the hands of a foot fetish near orgasm.

I claim I'm not lesbian but the girl lust rose in me watching the sway of her hips and the long cool stride, the flow of her hair in the slight breeze of the metros ventilation, and the absolute confidence she had.

I imagined the silk she must be wearing under her silk, those kind of panties that are not at all tight, yet fit so close, feeling like air on the skin.

I had seen her before and smiled at her. She looked at me with a pleasant confusion, a concession to me in sometimes aloof Paris. My heart skipped a beat, or three.

Is she a model out shopping, I wondered, or a very expensive prostitue? More likely a beautiful accessory of the wealthy circles. A protected woman out in the edges of the real world where girls don't look like visions, money is a worry and life is not assured to be comfortable.

Long legs the opposite of short chubby me, with my rapidly locking dreads, and nouveau retro hippy blouses and skirts. I've figured out that I will never be long legged, slim and impeccable. Maybe more because I don't want to be. I do though, notice those who are.

A man a few days ago, a suit cut by scissors longing to make love to his body, hair kissed by the air, not fussy, no product! Ick. A gym member who doesn't flaunt it, not too tall and he smiled at the coffee lady as he collected his morning jolt and pasterie in front of me. I could have eaten him for dinner and had leftovers for breakfast!

So different from how I present myself, so different from how I want to be seen, and still so fascinating.

About 2 weeks into my adventure I decided to do dreads. I can't compete with french women at their look, so I went all Berkley, peasant blouses, short sheath skirts, sandals and me, pushing out the seams. So much for scarves and style. Its a look, suits me, and sets me apart. 

They seem to understand when they hear my American accent...  :)

"bonjour, je suis Chloé........... Oui... de californie"

So did I follow her, or him, like a puppy wanting attention? Yea a little. She noticed, he didn't.

I'll see her again.