Thursday, April 16, 2015

Begining to End

It's beginning to end. The last vestiges of childhood, innocence and freedom. I just have two classes this quarter and then I can walk.

Walk the stage or just walk away with official recognition of being educated. Not that the brief taste and exposure gained with a bachlorette degree is really educated! Life does that way more efficiently.

I will though have jumped through the hoops that qualify me for entry level work in the non fast food track.

I wish it were the 60's and I could drop out of all I tuned in to, be a hippy, have no repercussion sex with gorgeous longhaired men, take drugs that were still innocent, and feel like it meant something. Something not ruined by the term slacker and social responsibility.

I want to be an adult/child, grown physically and emotionally enough to function independent of help, but with no regard for convention or others projected expectations.

Maybe like

Bare breasted surfing in Costa Rica, writing to live, living to write.

She inspires me. But I'm not thin. Or as driven.

What sort of life DO I want?

Definitely free from convention. No 9-5. I just can't. And don't have too.

But I want purpose! I've had it before. It was to "get through it". I did. Now life is a little flatter. Sounds like depression, but its not, I am content and happy, just a bit adrift.

I see others around me excited to start careers, move into the meat of life. People are starting to semi-permanently couple, prepare to build nesting capabilities, and be more responsible. Binge drinking only on Friday and Saturday!

I am uncoupled and drink steadily, never binging.

And I look into the void of future that is my life, oscillating between projecting fantasy and confronting reality. Only there is no reality except what I move myself into.

I can go any number of ways and am paralyzed with freedom.

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