Monday, September 26, 2011

More thoughts

A little delayed reaction on my part, but I am sort of in the mood to think about my mom this past week. I posted on one of my other blogs, a post called Yesterday. It was the day after the one year anniversary of her death. I had felt like it was just yesterday that she died, but also so recent that I had been with her. Sorry for sad sounding stuff. It's not sad really, to remember her, but it is to miss her.

I wanted this blog to be a "moving forward" thing, but the past seems to follow me! If you want to see where I have been, again its backwards on a blog, the oldest buried at the bottom so START HERE:  I started blogging about a month after my mom died. I never really ever thought about blogging before and now I have 4!

And I am sort of working on maybe writing a book. Two years ago if you would have said I would be writing, I would have said "nuh uh". But now its something that fills a need. Of course if I keep getting C's in english, people will laugh at the idea of me writing! But writing for school requires following certains rules, so that the reader CAN GRADE YOU. In otherwords if you don't write like they think you should, down goes the grade. I am stubborn and write like I want. I write because I want to!

It gives me an excuse to go out and get in trouble so I can write about it! Well not in trouble, but do stuff. Like "oh I don't really like frat guys and the bro crowd, but maybe I'll go to that party for ideas and to see what its like".

Gotta live life.

My mom lived life. She had real adventures. Scary ones too, and did stuff I wouldn't do. Drugs, sex, cults, and also family and love and trying to make the world better.

I want to be like my mom. Maybe no drugs and cults!


Don't worry I'm not taking this blog off into sad land! But just its on my mind right now. My trip this summer changed me a little but very subtly. I wanted to kinda be thrown into adventure, pushed and challenged. I wanted to learn more how to be with people, and I did, sort of.  It was different than I expected, people are wonderful, even if they don't know you, they will take you in and give you a chance to be friends. That's what I learned. I didn't really ever have the feeling of being alone, even when I was. I was thousands of miles from home, but people were always around, and they weren't so different from me.

I don't think I can ever be like my mom was at my age, doing things that could go wrong in a bad way. Sleeping where its not safe, being on drugs. She was reckless and I'm not so much. But I think she was even more unhappy than I ever was. I was a mess at 16 and 17, but I had support she didn't somehow. I know she loved her parents, and they were good people, but she left home two weeks after she turned 18.

I could never do that, break off from family like that. But she came back eventually and made her life.

Maybe that is the thing I admire most about her, that she made her life on her own, and I have so much support. The part I want to copy is the variety and intensity of experiences maybe.

 I came back from my trip with a better sense of myself and more confident, and had some good experiences and some more difficult.

I think I am off to a good start!

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