New Year, new me

Its a new year and a new me. I am older, and not just chronologically. I had a wild ride over the last several years, and a pretty manic year through last summer and early fall, and then the fall. The inevitable fall that us bipolar types always deny is our destiny.

Lucky me I don't fall hard from my manic heights, I just go flat for a while. No great depression, no dramatic trips to the emergency room with crys for help expressed as destructive acts. I just retreat, fall silent, curl up with myself and live less vividly.

Of course this post may represent the start of a new manic phase, but my insight into myself is growing and  I have a degree of detachment that allows me perspective. I am growing up, maturing as a human. It feels good!

Yeah.

I am a woman now, not the little girl of last year. Both metaphorically and physically. An allusion I need not expand upon, knowing the intelligence of my readers. But lets just say it was the right time and the right man.

Wise, gentle, and not hung up in the significance and the need for clinging after events. A person whom a partnership with would be out of the question and a friendship with is certain. Older, much more experienced and still playful like the childwoman I was.

:)

I had been so hung up on it being perfect, with some very rigid ideas of what would be perfection. Ideas that seem silly now, and complicating. Confusing love and sex.

I'm amused at myself looking back at how I thought about things and how it turns out as I live my life. I think there is a lesson there in the value of letting go of expectations in favor of simpler goals, less defined by the specifics and more by the arrival somewhere good.

I have arrived, yet the goal is not an end but just a point marked on a larger quest. Larger Quest, that sure sounds pretentious!!

So New Year and new me, settling into myself as a changable vehicle for living. I've gotten back into the habit of meditation and this grounds me some, although I like being manic, I like living large and wild and then the calmer periods. The cycles are a good thing not a disability.

Love you all! ♥




PS: Buy my book!

http://www.amazon.com/Far-Edge-Seventeen-Chloe-Smith/dp/1467965472/

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leaving on a jet plane

(God he's cute, where's my astro-naught?)

I feel....

I feel like something is going to change. I've been through a lot of change lately, but its still in progress. I'm not "there" yet, and this summer adventure feels like it will be something I will not come back from the same person I am now.

Its good, and its sad. I like me, I got to a place where I was ok even after losing my mom and almost losing my mind and even maybe my life. But here is where I get to be me and not answer to anyone BUT me.

I want...

I want to find out how to have a different way of relating to people. I want to learn how to get into other people, be intimate, not sex but where we open to each other and share what we are at the deepest level.

You know, "spiritually". What ever the fuck that is. And I would also like to get fucked. 18 year old virginity sucks.

:)

Sorry Daddy! Pretend you didn't read that!

Does this make sense? I want to be, I want to feel, and I want it to be ...more?

I'm lonely, excited, scared and on the edge of something.



There's things you lose in life and things you gain, but really its just that you were there for either of them that is the most important.


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